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“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there, but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which i sent it.”
–Isaiah 55:10-11 (ESV)
At my wedding, nearly twenty years ago on Valentine’s Day, I was asked by a former member of my cancer survivor support group what I had wanted to do, now that I had tied the knot. Standing there, in my white gown, adorned with a sparkling diamond ring, without pausing to think, I said, “I want to be a mother.” Visibly caught off-guard by my response, she said, “Oh! I suppose that is quite the job to undertake,” or something similar. She wished me well in my endeavor, and moved on to talk to someone else.
As I undertook this mission, though, it became clear this task of being a mother was more daunting than I had anticipated. Anxiety crept in and my depression was exacerbated with every new challenge I was facing as a wife and homemaker. I gave birth to four children in a six-year span, and being a young mother with no close family nearby, I raised up these kids the best I could.
The inevitable day came along when the pressures of marriage, parenting, following Christ, and just life itself came down on me particularly hard. It came when my second oldest was hospitalized due to a suicidal attempt, a particularly bad episode that made me question my effectiveness as a mother. Being in the hospital nearly every night for two weeks with him, attending to him and partially enjoying the reprieve, I took note of how burdened I felt at home. This culminated in a drawn-out text to my faithful husband about how I wanted life to be different. The time away from my family had me thinking thoughts that I wanted to not be a mother anymore, even a wife! The newfound freedom from home brought about from my hospital “stay” was both mesmerizing and frightening. It was like looking into a crystal ball and only seeing the cartoon world I desired.
I realize now this was not reality I was anticipating in these moments, and at the time, I had definitely starting to wander down a path that was not my best for me. I had not been remaining close to the Lord, and my doubts were making their way into me big-time. I was looking for an escape from my troubles and obligations. I had been gazing into my latest fantasy, a world where family obligations were limited and being single was glamorized.
I had made it a point, upon arriving home, to tell my whole family I needed a month off from essentially being a mom. I was traumatized and overwhelmed, and told them what I thought I needed more than anything else: creative space to breathe and write concerning what was going on in my inner world. It was a difficult time of the year, as autumn clouds and rain were rolling in, and starting to bring me down. Over the next several months, I continued to find ways in which to distance myself from those I loved, in the hopes it would heal my wounds and bring me to a better place. While the exercise in writing did help slightly, I did not experience the bliss I was dreaming of. I felt like I still had more work that needed done, but couldn’t understand what was going on, both at home with my family and in my own spiritual life.
Marital issues eventually ensued, leaving me to grapple with what to do next. At that point, I had not only separated myself and my needs from my family and theirs, but I was clearly off in my own world. I was lost, my mental life was chaotic, and I was clueless about my next move.
Then early last year, God led me to get a new Bible, after I had disposed of all the prior ones in a seasonal decluttering spell. I opened it, and read the following verse from 2 Timothy: “And I will be filled with joy when we are together again.” (1:4) I broke down in tears, and told my husband I was returning to follow Christ, as I had in the beginning, over twenty years ago. In a sense, I felt like I was renewing my vows to God, recommitting myself to His authority over my life and everything I do.
Walking the so-called narrow road since that moment last March has made me rethink and analyze what has been happening in my spiritual life over the past two-plus years. My desire to be a full-time writer had increased dramatically during that time, and especially since my kid’s hospital stay. Yet now, in the past few weeks, I have started to experience small crumbs of doubt creeping in. I have been realizing that my long-sought-after dream career was not going to pan out the way I thought it would. I recalled also, with tears in my voice and eyes, that I had also always dreamed, since I was a child, of being a mother, wife and homemaker. It was a desire that ate away at me, and I have longed since my early years to have a family and home to take care of.
As I write today, I reflect on the Scripture of Isaiah, that I’ve known for nearly fifteen years. It reminds me of how is faithful to complete the task that He begins in any child of God. When I had dove headlong into that mentality and lifestyle focusing on myself and my career as a writer, forgetting my other dream of being a homemaker, the healing it had brought about was superficial, and did little to connect me emotionally to my husband and kids. What I thought I needed was a separation of sorts, when in reality, what I needed was a heart of gratitude and enough space in it to love and forgive myself and others. My therapist told me recently that we heal in relationships, but I thought it was something I could do by myself.
Drifting away from God, my first love, was the single most damaging act to my life that I’ve ever committed. Not only did it cause me to harbor resentment towards myself and others, but it also put a lot of stress and burden on me to fix or somehow resolve whatever issue was at hand. And instead of turning wholeheartedly to Him the minute disaster struck, I lingered in a period of shock and utter helplessness, assuming that God would remember my suffering, and run to help me immediately.
At the time, I had been deeply distraught at the notion anyone would break their promises to me. But I realized, in spring of last year, and reminded just days ago, that I broke mine as well! Not only to the God who created me, but to the wonderful husband God gave to me, and to the children I wanted to love with my whole heart. And at a time when I was experiencing a lot of emotional and mental pain, I was neglecting, though not purposefully, the needs of my children. At a time that perhaps would have been better spent deep in Scripture and prayer, I was veering off track, immersed, and wallowing in my own trauma. And while I deeply love my children and my husband, I could not find it in me to focus on them. It was just too much for me at the time. Instead of sitting with God more than once a day, in prayer and gratitude, I sat in my trauma, hoping that if I stayed there long enough, I would simply move on. Perhaps for some, but this did not work for me.
Slowly turning my gaze back to God has not been simple or easy. There are many distractions, good and bad, to pull me away from the promises I made to God a long time ago. Thought I don’t consider the desire to be a writer a negative thing, it’s important to me that I remember — and cling to — the vows I made to God, and that I honor and submit to His will (not mine) in my life. My lot in life is to be a homemaker — a mother, a wife, a devoted child of God. And all of this, with some hobbies on the side, is more than enough to keep me busy, focused on the Lord, for a lifetime.
And so it is with my purpose. I am choosing to remain in His love, so that I am always ready and willing to do what He’s called me to do. And I hope that one day, I will receive confirmation that I have succeeded in the purpose for which He sent me.
PRAYER: Lord God, I thank You that You never, ever break Your promises to us, and that Your purposes are never thwarted. I know nothing can separate You from those You love, nor can Your will ever be restrained or obstructed altogether. You are above all things, more powerful than any plan our minds can devise.
Father, I ask that Your will be done in my life, and that You continue to reveal to me everything You have called me to do here on earth. May my life be a testimony to the world, of how Your promises and Your love for us can never be hindered or undone. I submit my life and surrender all my desires to You. And I pray that You would always “show me the right path…(and) point out the road for me to follow.” (Psalm 25:4 NLT)
To find the poem I wrote for this devotional, please follow me here!